5 Ways to Guarantee Failure

Sit Still

The other day I was scanning though my TV channels and I found this exercise channel. I never knew it was part of my ultimate platinum cable package. What a waste. This channel features a variety of on-demand workout routines to follow along with. If I wanted to work out I’m sure I could find a freaking gym around my apartment. Why doesn’t the cable company run on demand programs that someone would actually want to watch? Why not a MacGyver on demand? How about Miami Vice on demand, or even Baywatch on demand. Now that would be awesome TV. Not some stupid show with some guy or some chick telling me to keep moving.

Those shows are for suckers who think they have to be super thin to be cool. Give me a break. I know I am cool and I look good. And shopping is easy for me. Unlike people with a weight problem I have no problem finding 46” waist paints at my local big and tall store. I know when the chicks look at me they see more of a man to love. And one of the days some lucky lady is going to get the chance to find that out.

Make Excuses

Did you ever notice that the people talking about being success and “planning” for success are the ones with the all the money. They have this huge staff of people to make sure they look good on camera. They have no idea what us “normal” folks have to deal with. We do not have the luxury of a staff; we do not have people all around us to do our work. We have to deal with real life.

I could be just as successful, probably more, if I had their time and their money. But I don’t. I have a real job and real bills. I don’t have time. When I get home I’m tired. I have enough energy to throw some food into the microwave and then sit down with a couple of brews and relax in front of the tube. If I had a personal chef my life would be different. If I had a hot girlfriend my life would be different. I not complaining you know. I have a great life. Who else can say they have the high score on every video game they play online. I kick ass my friends, I kick ass.

Think Today

The other day my mom told me I should be thinking more about my future. With everything I have to deal with in my life today I don’t have the time for the future. Besides, if I could control the future I would win the lottery. I deserve a few million bucks. I would go out and pick myself up a red Corvette convertible, or maybe a Ferrari, or maybe a Lamborghini. Hell I’ll just get all three. And wait until you see the house I get. It’ll be off the hook.

I got enough things to deal with today. My landlord just raised the rent again. Cigarette, gas and beer prices keep going up. The big wig company fat cats just keep making more and more profits while sticking to us little guys. It’s just ridiculous. Think about the future my ass. I got enough to deal with in the present thank you very much.

Ignore Development

I can’t believe all the suckers around that think they need more school, need someone to teach them new skills. If you want to learn something just pick up a wrench and learn how. That’s what I did and I’m doing fine. I pay my bills and I have enough cash to have a good time.
Why waste all that time in class learning from some teacher-nerd that never could get a real job. Pick your skills up in real life. That’s where the real learning is. If you want to learn about getting what you want out of life then you should be watching Survivor or The Apprentice. Now that’s the real life education you need.

Fly Solo

I can’t believe how many people think that they need to know so many other people. It’s like that game “Seven steps to Bacon” or something like that. It’s about knowing someone, who knows someone, who knows someone. I know enough people already. They call it networking. My networking circle is just fine. I have a great relationship with HBO, Showtime, ESPN, Fox and the FX channel. On top of that I have my regular Friday night game with my poker buddies.

I don’t need anybody’s help. I found all my jobs by myself. I saw the help wanted signs in the window and I went in and got the job. I got my first job flipping burgers by myself, I got the job at the car wash by myself, I got the job loading freight by myself, and I got my job at the garage by myself. There is nobody looking out for me the way I do.

(Obviously this was written a bit tongue in cheek. No one is trying to fail, but some people sure make it hard for success to find a way past the walls they put up in life. Hope you got a little chuckle.)